7 quick takes {v. 7}

1. 

Is it just me or did this week feel reeeeaaaalllly llloooonnngggg? I think it's because of the Fourth of July. Speaking of which, did you all see that video from San Diego where, due to a computer issue, an 18 minute fireworks show (all 7,000 fireworks) went off at once, in 15 seconds? Yeah.

2.
This week my family and I went to see the new Spider Man movie. At first I didn't want to see it because I thought it was kind of silly that they were rebooting the series. But I LOVED it!! It was absolutely nothing like the Tobey Maguire movies. I highly recommend it (although it might be too long for little ones!)

3.
Besides Spider Man, this has been kind of a weird couple of weeks in pop culture, yeah? "Magic Mike" was released (blech) and Fifty Shades
of Grey has somehow become THE book for American women. Now that someone has finally told me what the book is about I'm stupefied, horrified, and mystified.

Remember the good old days? *jk*

4.

I'm thinking of doing a post on these happenings, especially in terms of a single girl trying to live a chaste life. It doesn't exactly help keep impure thoughts away when I've got Channing Tatum's abs thrown in my face! World, give a girl a break! If any of you have any thoughts on this, let me know by tweet or here or whatever so I can incorporate it! 

5.

Now if you're looking for a good book to read, I've been going through Papa Benedicto's latest Jesus of Nazareth book. I promise you, you'll be blown away. His writing style is so personal and like a teacher who gently guides you through the Scriptures until you see what he sees, which will change the way you see Jesus. Here are a couple of excerpts to show you what I mean:

"When all is said and done, the future will not place us in any other situation than the one to which our encounter with Jesus has already brought us." (p. 50)

"'Heaven and earth will pass away, but my word will not pass away' (Mk 13:31). The word--which seems almost nothing in comparison to the mighty power of the immeasurable material cosmos, like a fleeting breath against the silent grandeur of the universe--the word is more real and more lasting than the entire material world...[It] is the solid ground on which we can stand, which holds firm even when the sun goes dark and the firmament disintegrates." (p. 51)

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Fifty Shades of lame, guy!

6. 

When I was on vacation a couple of weeks ago that on my maternal grandmother's side (which is German) I have a great-aunt or something who used to be a barmaid in Bavaria! I saw this picture of her when she literally looked like one of those Viking women with the outfit and an armful of giant beer mugs. This wouldn't be so cool, except for the fact that she was barmaid to THE POPE!! 

Ja!

Apparently, he was one of the regulars and my dear old great-aunt would plop a cold one in front of him whenever he came in. What's more, the whole family from Bavaria even went to the church where he was pastor! Ahh! I'm pushing for them to see they can wrangle a personal visit with the Pope (does he even do that?) but it's a work in progress. Still, how cool is that??

7. 

If you've made it this far, I want to personally thank you for putting up with my little rants and raves! Stay tuned, because I have some neat plans in the near future for this place! God bless!

lord, have your way

I've been thinking a lot lately about surrender. About Jesus, the Good Shepherd. About following wherever He leads.

Like St. Augustine, I have long tired of running from Him. It's the scariest thing to ask Him to change you, transform you, reshape you and remake you. And the walls around my heart are made of stone.

But no matter how far you run, there's always that still small voice, calling you home, "Come. Come.."

And, He tells us, He calls us by name, and we, His lost sheep, will always recognize His voice. No matter how far we wander.

It's been a long, hard tug-of-war, and I have fought Him over every little thing He asks of me. But how can I deny Him? Him who poured out every inch of Himself for me?

Today, give Him your praise, your worship. I don't know if you're aware of my epic love for Hillsong United, but their new CD, "Cornerstone", is just as incredible as all their other ones. Watching this video, I couldn't help but cry out to Jesus. Make these words your words, let Him heal your broken heart and bind up all your wounds.

Lord, have your way in me...

7 quick takes (vol. 6)

1.)  Last week found me in a very strange place. A Piggly Wiggly's, to be exact. And this place: 

I really like grits. Just sayin'.

And here too:

That girl! Where did she come from?!?!

Where is this magical land, you ask?

2) Georgia! 

3) And yes, we saw Miss Paula Deen's digs. And, yes, it was too expensive to eat in. 

4) Don't you just love vacation? We abandoned soggy old New England a couple of weeks ago and headed south where it was warm and toasty and the Confederate flag still hangs out on billboards and the backs of pickup trucks. Basically, South Carolina. It was soooo much fun! We got to spend some time with family and some pretty chill gators and even a dolphin!

5) I introduce: Casper the Friendly Dolphin!

Aaah!! A real, live dolphin!!

(Ignore my brother's head. He got in my way! Gah!)

6) Basically, there's this little cove sort of thing where rich people live. 

You can't really tell but this house was huge! And it had an infinity pool!

And in this cove, there is the Walmart greeter of dolphins who likes to come up alongside entering boats and say hello. I came THIS close to touching his nose but when he realized I was just a human (and not a fish) he swam off. It was still pretty awesome!

7) But back to the Piggly Wiggly's. I love traveling to and experiencing different places! I love going down South especially (despite the "damn yankees" comments and Tennessee drivers. Sorry, Tennessee, but it's true). It's so different from where I live that it just refreshes my soul!

We just don't have trees like this up here!

And the time away from daily distractions was so good for me. I had time to really think and meditate about what God has in store for me this coming year. Taking time to just relax and sit by the sea, allowed God to just pour out peace on me and soothe my anxieties. Have you found time to just be still yet this summer? To refresh yourself in Him? 

he's got the whole world

I held it in my hand, the pale green, cheerfully colored box. The one, tiny pale yellow pill. I flipped through the glossy, mini guidebook, to make sure...to make sure what I don't know, I just needed something to do. It's just a little pill; it looks like my allergy medicine, or headache medicine.

But it wasn't.

It started with a panicked look, eyes that I'd seen a hundred times before, that I knew as well as my own, a cold hand on my wrist: "The condom broke."

And it ended with me, in a car, in the parking lot of CVS, holding the box, the one with the pill. The morning-after pill, that is.

--

We practically grew up together. She was only a couple of years younger than me and we were the only cousins on this side of the family that lived close enough to see each other. We spent every summer together, all of us, since I was born.

We were like sisters, my little cousin and I. And the last time I saw her before this she had never had a boyfriend, had never had sex.

I tried to tell her how even though it's the hardest thing, harder than the Olympics, it's worth it, it's so worth it to wait, you won't regret it. I wrote her a letter once trying to convince her that she is beautiful and loved and that someday a man will come, a good man who treats her right, not like her father, but who tells her every day that she is precious to him and amazing and smart, someday this man will come and he will have been worth it.

Then, she meets a guy, a guy at work, the bartender, who's several years older, and who has told her all those things. He tells her she's beautiful and calls her "Princess" and tells her he loves her and everything else she's been waiting her whole life to hear from a man.

When I finally see her again after a few months of us "being busy" she's asking if she can trust me with a secret and her eyes are wide and scared, her hand on my wrist: "The condom broke."

The story of how this guy swept her off her feet comes in the car. At first she wants to go to the local Planned Parenthood but, honestly, I can't stomach that, so we go to CVS. She's telling me how wonderful he is, how much they love each other, how she knows, she just knows he would take care of them, her and baby, but they also have a problem because he wants to move back to California and maybe she wants to go with him.

I haven't said anything; me of a thousand words, and I can't find any good ones. I tell myself I'm overreacting, people have sex all the time, lots of people don't wait, heck, I have friends who didn't wait but who I still love and respect--

She turns to me at a stoplight, a hand hesitantly fits into mine, my little lost cousin, "Please don't be angry with me. Please come in with me. I need you to come in with me. This is the right thing to do, right? Right?"

For a second, I think she might cry. She's looking at me, needing me to say the right thing, and suddenly all the voices of the past few months, of all the times I've argued, online and in real life about contraception, about the HHS Mandate, about abortion and Planned Parenthood, are sucked up like by a vacuum into this one moment.

I squeeze back. I tell her: I'm not angry, how could I be? I love you. I'll go in with you. I'll keep your secret.

The light changes. She gives a nervous laugh, he'd kick me out you know, my dad. I nod, I know. She says she thinks her mom knows she's started having sex but hasn't said anything but, don't get pregnant.

I feel like I'm failing her, and myself. Like I've already failed. In the back of my mind, the old tape is playing. It's okay, don't overreact, it's just sex.

We're there. I can't be, I just cannot get pregnant, she says under her breath, and I can see her envisioning it. They'd kick me out and our whole family will say I'm a slut and I'd have nowhere to go.

She asks for "a Plan B, please." The woman behind the counter looks at me, momentarily uncertain. My cousin is older than eighteen but looks much younger, and especially now, under the fluorescent lights, her face is bright red and she's trying to hid behind her bangs. Again, she looks like she might cry and I think she looks even younger than that.

When we get back to the car she opens the box, pulls the pill pack out and hands me the directions and the little question-and-answer booklet ("What if I'm already pregnant?" "What does Plan B do?"). I know this is the right thing, I mean, this is the right thing to do, right? She keeps saying.We look at the little yellow pill in her palm and I fail her again. I can't say yes. I can't make the word come out. I just tell her, it'll be okay.

How do I do this? How do I take it? But I can't answer that either so she takes a sip of water and then the pill.

She closes her eyes and sighs, her head falls back on the seat, relief. There, it's done. There, whatever secret thing may have been happening within her, it's done.

And, right then, I believe everything I've said the last few years. Everything I've said about contraception and abortion and babies and making babies, I suddenly believe it. My heart believes it.

She's more relaxed now, less nervous, and we go home. She'd driven a couple of towns over so she wouldn't run into anyone she knew.

Something comes over me and I turn to her, a knot in my throat. I would help you. I would drop everything and drive down here and get you and you wouldn't be homeless.

She tries to cut me off -- don't say that, I'm not pregnant. As if by speaking the words, I could accidentally speak a baby into being.

I'm serious, I say. You're not a slut. I believe in you. I know people who can help you. I know it would feel like your whole life is over but it wouldn't be. It really wouldn't be. I would do whatever I had to, I would take time off work. I would come down here and I would help you.

And I knew, with all my heart, I would. I don't know how, but I would.

She doesn't say anything for a while, then, thank you for coming with me. But it's okay because I know she's heard me.

When we get back into town, back home, back with the rest of the family for lunch, the moment's over and I know she doesn't want to talk about it again. She jokes about the "near miss" with me and her younger sister later. But I know her and I know she heard me, she hasn't forgotten what I said.

--

I'm staring down a long stretch of highway. I'm on my way back home with my family and I chose to do most of the driving because I had tried to read and couldn't. I had tried to listen to music and couldn't.

I couldn't save her from herself this time. I feel like a hypocrite. How could I, who doesn't believe in using contraception, all but put the pill in her hand myself? Should I have done something different? Did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing?

That morning, I had seen a scared little girl. Later that night she would suggest I read Fifty Shades of Grey and find myself a man, hollow, empty words.

I just hadn't been able to leave her. I couldn't let her go in by herself. I felt, somehow, that running away from this would be worse than going with her. But I'm left with doubts; did I hurt You, Jesus? 

The ride home gives me time to think. Maybe it was my overactive imagination, but when I'd looked at the pill, so plain and small, I'd felt a darkness. The guide it came with said in bold, "NOT AN ABORTION PILL." She had read it out loud, reassuring herself, telling me.

But I couldn't stop thinking.What if there had been a baby? A tiny, undeveloped, unknown, little bud of a life, and I sat there and watched as all that was swept away. I thought I might be sick.

Because no matter what my mind said, the lines I'd heard from our culture, I knew it was wrong and it wasn't love and if I had taken part in something which ended a life, no matter how small and invisible to all but its Maker, I don't know how I could live with that.

I've seen love, true, God-given love, bright as the morning sun and pure as gold, and I've heard the truth, clearer and sharper than silver, and goodness, like a crystal light - and this wasn't it.

I had never felt the weight of my broken-ness, our broken-ness, like I did then.

We broke it, sex which was supposed to be pure and holy and is sometimes still. But we broke it and made a mess of it and this is what's left.

I've never, ever needed Jesus more.

7 quick takes Friday (Vol. 5)

1.

Wow - it's been a looong time since my last 'quick takes'. Since anything, really. Nothing much has been going on here although I am starting to feel the anxiety and reality of the fact that in just a few months I'll be heading out west to start a totally new adventure. I'll be moving to a place of abject poverty, recently discussed in the New York Times, out in the middle of nowhere, working with young people who have have had to deal with more crap than I probably ever will. It's starting to hit me now that I'm booking plane tickets and actually having to think about what I'll be taking with me. Let's just say it's put me in a Bon-Iver-listening, lots-of-tea-drinking, leave-the-curtains-down, French-level-angst kind of a mood.

Where are all the pine trees?!?! Where's Starbucks???!!!

2.

Take that, Loki, you big jerk!

In other news, I saw The Avengers! It felt so good to just veg for a couple of hours with the superhero hotties of Marvel. And it was actually, surprisingly hilarious. There were so many unexpected comedic moments, though plenty of gravitas when needed. Robert Downey, Jr. was his usual awesome self, Chris Hemsworth was his usual hot Australian self, and Captain America was even more '50s-Americana than usual, but, trust me, it worked. Seriously, go see it. You won't regret it.

3.
Speaking of Chris Hemsworth, are you all as excited as I am to see Snow White & the Huntsman? Probably not. Although, I must confess, I really wish I could just see the Hunstman.

Get thee behind me, Kristen Stewart!

4.
Also speaking of Snow White, everyone should watch "Once Upon A Time"! I realize it's kind of late if you haven't started because the season finale is this Sunday but I know that episodes are up on Hulu. I know it seems like it would be kind of cheesy but it really isn't. Honestly, next to Mad Men, it's one of the most thoughtful, interesting shows on TV. Which, as you've probably surmised, I've been watching a lot of.

5.
I don't know if you've seen these awesome posts on modesty and the young Catholic lady but they've really pushed me to think more deeply about what I wear. Even though the weather here can best be described as "I-now-understand-why-it's-called-New-England", I've started my summer wear search. (I'm taking it on faith that summer will actually arrive eventually.) It's always tough for me because I am little curvier than average so what may not be revealing for the typical girl, is extremely so for me. I'll probably post something on this once the sun comes out, but let me know what you all think!

6.
I like to have fun with what I wear, though I am always careful not to get too carried away with labels and whatnot. Here are some great "street style" blogs from all over the world that show some really lovely looks (some not-so-lovely) that can give you some ideas. They've been really helpful to me in terms of figuring out what works and what doesn't for my body type.

Garance Dore - she's pretty well known and has a great eye

The Sartorialist - a little more up-scale but still awesome

Sea of Shoes - this girl knows her shoes and color schemes

Gabifresh - curvy doesn't mean you can't look chic!

Saks in the City - french but the pictures are what matter, lol

Lookbook - people can post their own pictures from all over

Also, check out my Pinterest there on the sidebar! I have an album of modest yet cute clothes so I'm always on the lookout.

6a. 

Also - this was on TV last week and you need to see it.

7.

Looks like my time is up for now! I leave you with two cute and interesting videos from the interwebs:

There is hope for humanity yet if we can still produce moments like this.

for now, so long Dick Clark

I spend way too much time thinking about death.

It hasn't always been this way, but since I more or less hit adulthood it's kind of become a thing. So today, when I heard the incomparable Dick Clark had passed away, I turned off the laptop, fed the dogs so they'd stop bugging me, and sat in my room, thinking about death. (And yes, I'm aware that sounds really depressing and sad. I await my offer for a TLC show.)

I mean, come on, does it get any more apple pie than Dick Clark?

It's always sad when a public figure dies, especially one that had a career over multiple generations. But, to me, it's just a little sadder to hear about Mr. Clark's death. For those of my generation, born in the 1980s, we remember him, reliable as the sunrise, every year in Times Square for New Year's Eve. For those of my parents' generation, and even grandparents', they remember him on American Bandstand and beyond.

I think for a lot of us now, in the 21st Century, us post-modern folks who are beyond such quaintness, he reminds us of a time when we were better. Not always and not perfectly and in some ways worse, but maybe, just enough that it counts, better.

And when I think about death, what I'm really thinking about is life.

I still believe there's wise blood in these veins, and if we're quiet enough to listen, we can hear it telling us which way to go.

I'll never understand why God gives out things like firework nights in a field behind the high school, countdowns with strangers in Times Square, closing your eyes and dancing and feeling a cute dress swirl around your legs, the smile of someone you don't even know but warms up your whole insides.

Dick Clark didn't deserve any of the good things he was given, but then, none of us do. We might work hard and get somewhere. But the truly good things of this world are only God's to give.

And the hard things are his to give too; Dick Clark lost his only brother in World War II.

But good or bad, there's only one life. As many chances as there are stars in the sky, but just one life. And who knows what shape a life will take? Or when it will be taken from us?

So when my time comes, I hope that I can say I lived it, bursting at the seams with love. That I cried when I needed to, laughed as often as possible, brought as much good into this world as I could, praised God in all things, never forgot to say 'thank you', swam in the ocean as often as possible, and left everything better than I found it.

It's my hope and prayer that tonight, Dick Clark is with Jesus in Paradise; it's certainly my prayer. And I hope that we'll all get there one day, make it through this wild and crazy and wonderful life we've been given.

For now, so long Dick Clark...

the book of mercy

image from here

We were at Friendly's. Home from college, old high school buddies. Maybe we were a little too loud, a little too boisterous. The waitress had been rude the whole meal, was slow with the orders and the water, though the place was empty. When it came time to pay we thought to shortchange her on the tip but one of my friends put in extra, more than what was even normal. When asked why she said, "Maybe the waitress was having a bad day."

Mercy--

Old man and his dog, fresh from the groomer's, weathered face, flannel and Levis: farm uniform. At the end of the leash he's holding is a little tan and white dog with a bow on its neck, wagging his little tail furiously. The man says its name is Larry. He bought Larry from the local rescue after his last dog died. It was his first rescue. Larry had been abused in his old life, bullets still lodged under his skin, but you can't see them now, only the bow on his collar and the way his tongue hangs out the side of his mouth when you pet him.

Mercy--

High school friend, known him since middle school, all of us going through all the awkward and angsty teen years together, is killed in Afghanistan. Everyone in three towns shows up to line the streets from the local base where his family received his body and back here, keep him company on the last drive home. At his wake and funeral the place is packed and there are so many people standing, being there, they had to close off the roads.

Miles and miles of mercy--